The Chronicles of Gnarnia

Once upon a time in Grandma Pikachu's village of wonder, a small, evil, yet handsome elephant named Aphrodite swallowed some pickle juice. Next door, a sleeping bag was transformed into a radish after the house exploded. It was transported to Gnarnia by the good black witch. There, it ate lots of truffulent truffle trees. Meanwhile, Grandma Pikachu was making her specialized stew for Theodore Roosevelt. Grandma's granddaughter met a boy. They did not fall in love because his name was Edwardian the Freak. The portal to Gnarnia was clogged because grandma's butt was stuck inside of it. She finally fell in with people pushing and tugging on both sides of the portal. Edwardian the freak started break dancing to the song "Go Bananas". However, Edwardian the Freak died for no apparent reason and the whole world was liquified into apple juice.

The only people that survives this juicy catastrophe were those who were in Gnarnia: Grandma Pikachu, Aphrodite, the radish, the good black witch, and Grandma Pikachu's granddaughter. Grandma Pikachu wanted to remarry, so she married a grandfather clock. Aphrodite changed her name to Pocahontas. Pocahontas wanted to fight the good black witch with an army of sporks. The good black witch rounded up her army of pie. All of the sudden, Grandma Pikachu came out of the bushes whistling "Pop goes the weasel" while carrying the grandfather clock in her little red wagon. The armies stared in awe of the toilet paper that was stuck on her foot. After she left, the battle begun.

So the great battle began. Both spork and pie armies clashed in a fruitful fight. Fifteen hours into the war, Sora, Riku, and Kairi appeared from the future with keyblades. They killed both armies, except for Pocahontas and the good black witch. Sora let out a Tarzan yell, Riku did a happy dance, and Kairi ate the fruit that was in the pie. The good black witch had an emotional breakdown and magically disappeared into the ninth dimension. Pocahontas sat down and ate some pizza. Grandma Pikachu came in and yelled “I'm a banana!” and had a seizure. The clock decided to break himself into tiny pieces for no reason. Grandma Pikachu's granddaughter fell in love with a nerd named Sir Fredriksoninian and the Radish turned into a couch.

The couch could talk! He started speaking Vietnamese, Portugese, and Icelandic at the same time. Sir Fredriksoninian died of paralysis and shocking news. He died of the news that there was a flood in the eighth dimension and got it confused with the ninth dimension. Grandma's granddaughter named herself Steve Pokemanian. Steve Pokemanian almost caught a fatal disease called The Nicaraguan Inflammation of Doom and Despair. Suddenly, Grandma Pikachu started playing Neopets and Runescape simultaneously. The remains of Sir Fredriksoninian were transformed into a potato. Grandma Pikachu screamed “Bloody murder!” and Sora came to the rescue and Vaslan came roaring around.

Vaslan was roaring around! Oh no! The good black witch came back from the ninth dimension wearing a swimsuit and Donald Duck shoes. She used the power of knock-off fashion and sugar cookies from Ann Marie to ward of Vaslan. Everyone cheered. The whole land of Gnarnia had a bonfire. They ran out of decorations so they used leftover Halloween and Easter decorations. Everyone got too confused so they had a Christmas too. Everyone trick-or-treated, looked for eggs, and made presents. All of the sudden, Santa came and threatened all the children. The couch squished him. NO ONE BELIEVES IN SANTA ANYMORE!

Santa died and Vaslan was scared away. Everyone was celebrating. Krista enjoyed some coconut meat and beef juice. So like Ariana like made up a song like that have words like totally awesome like that. The good black witch murdered a poor innocent rat. The aliens then invaded Gnarnia and Krista saved Gnarnia by singing “Aliens go away”. Then, the American girl, Kirsten, shoved her ipod into her phone case and put her iphone on top of her head. Taylor Lautner took off his short and it was silent. Taylor swift started to sing “Love Story” referring to Nick Jonas and Grandma Pikachu. They later got married at Peninsula Bible Church Cupertino.

After the marriage , the radish/couch began to become an emo person. The good black witch was having anger issues. Grandma Pikachu's granddaughter started having bad dreams about real estate and moldy bread. Pocahontas decided everyone should go see psychiatrists. However, no one got better. Everyone decided they should divide into clans depending on their mental issues. Gnarnia became a wilder environment. As far as the weather, everything else was fine. Every morning hand sanitizer would all from yellow clouds. The smell was so strong it mutated three fourths of the population. Who will save them?

The hand sanitizer kept everyone from being sick, however, the mental illnesses still prevailed. The people with frequent seizures were ThunderClan. The emo people were ShadowClan. The people that had frequent emotional breakdowns were RiverClan. The people that run away were WindClan. Finally, the people that think they can fly while singing, “I believe I can fly” were SkyClan. ShadowClan had a civil war over the proper way to commit suicide. The “Terrorists” thought it was best to suicide bomb another clan. The “Cutters” thought an old-fashioned knife on the wrist was good. There were more “Cutters than “Terrorists” so by the time the second battle of the war began, the “Cutters” won by default because all the “Terrorists” had killed themselves. The “Cutters” celebrated their victory with a ritual suicide. And this was the extinction of ShadowClan in which the couch died as a “Terrorist”.

Meanwhile, WindClan kept migrating from place to place because the clan members kept running away. ThunderClan was pitiful. RiverClan cried out an ocean, and SkyClan, well, SkyClan was just helpless. Suddenly, Sora came back out of a magic door that led to Gnarnia from Wonderland. Sora brought Cheshire Cat, no more like a hundred Cheshire Cats, all with majors in psychiatry. The cats spread out and person by person cured them of their mental issues; too bad ShadowClan couldn't survive long enough to get help. In no time, Gnarnia was unified again, except for one problem, the hand sanitizer clouds. People were still being mutated. Babies were born with five noses, seven toes, three ears, four heads, or multiples of these traits. Riku had a wonderful idea to put the cloud in a bottle. Kairi helped put it inside a cheese jar.

One day, four little children, all named Bob, went for a hike in the woods. In order to not confuse the four Bobs, the first Bob was “B” the second, “Bo”, the third was “Bob”, and the fourth, “Bobette” because she was a girl. The only things that were similar between them were their names and the quotation marks around their names. Other than that, they were very different. Anyway, when they were hiking, they decided to search for the mushroom people. They found one named Toad. He told them about a hidden prophecy that a great ruler would arise from nowhere. He then left to find a bathroom. The Bobs decided to find this “ruler”. They searched for a while, but then they got tired and decided to drink Vodka. Then, a lightning bolt struck the ground in front of them and they jumped. Out of nowhere, a girl wrapped in a leaf-woven cape appeared in the same spot where the lightning bolt hit. The creature opened her mouth and said, “My name is Uzra.”

Uzra quickly took the throne of Gnarnia because she was so popular because she had an ipad. Her four advisers, the Bobs, said she should lock it up so nobody would steal it. She agreed. Then, out of a portal from Mars, Lady Gaga came. She was wearing a dress made out of tissue paper. A man with a triangle, three cornered hat, named Alejandro Fernando Roberto accompanied her, escorting her through the portal. She started eating vitamin water cake and Sora said, “The cake is a lie!” Lady Gaga said,
“OMG UR RITE!” and yelled, “IT'S OVER 9000” and lost the game. Then, Stitch needed stitches and went to the Cheshire Cat doctors. They said that they couldn't help him because they only practiced psychiatry. They recommended a doctor named Dr. Cilantro. His assistant Oregano escorted him to his office. Meanwhile, Beyonce came and she and Lady Gaga started singing “Telephone”. STOP CALLIN' ME!

Beyonce broke up with Lady Gaga because Lady Gaga was hitting on the Bobs. Grandma Pikachu started to develop feelings for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Vaslan came back and challenged Uzra to a war. Uzra scheduled the date on her ipad, which is neon colored, and summoned her troops: The Bobs, Grandma Pikachu, Pocahontas, Sora, Riku, Kairi, Alejandro Fernando Roberto, Doctor Cilantro, Oregano, Lady Gaga, Beyonce, The Cheshire Cats, the TMNT, Toad and mushroom company, plus an army of old librarians and rhinos. Vaslan formed an army of orcs, vulcans, firemen, and moose. He also summoned the evil white witch, who can only be defeated by the good black witch, but she's dead! Grandma told Uzra this and Uzra brings the good black witch from her grave and brings her back to life! The good black witch promises to fight. Toby Mac comes to play DJ for the battle. The army decides that “Funky Jesus Music” will be their motivational theme as well as “Tonight” and “Hey Devil”. They have a pasta feed and a dance party every night after battle training taught by the C-cats and Cilantro/Oregano. Sora, Riku, and Kairi also teach limit breaks and limit forms. Beyonce decided to get back with Lady Gaga because her fling with Toad never worked out. The war day is nearing...

Before the war, Uzra's army sang “Go the Distance”, “Bonkers”, “Change”, and “A Time to Wait” for motivation. Uzra got extra help from the Moogles who supplied them with pickle juice and mushrooms for energy. Beyonce went home because she got nightmares. For fifty hours the two armies fought brutally while texting and checking Facebook. The good black witch and the evil white witch faced off in an epic duel, each wielding old CDs and katanas. Pocahontas, Grandma, Bobs, Alejandro, and the C-cats used chairs, gym clothes, sea salt ice cream and struggle bats as weapons. Vaslan's army seemed to easily succumb to Uzra's army, but Vaslan wasn't done yet! He summoned Behemoth, the Al-Bhed and the Titans from the movie Hercules. Sora, Riku, and Kairi managed to defeat all of them with the help of TMNT's pizza which Pocahontas began to eat again. Toad and the Bobs set fireworks to the sky to scare off the rest of the army. The good black witch then used a black hole to suck the evil white witch into an unknown world. Vaslan runs away toward the desert shouting threats for further future return. Uzra's army wins the war and also claims the Crystal-Blue plains. Lady Gaga and Toby Mac make a few songs off the victory and everyone celebrates disco style. It was also Grandma's ten billionth birthday so the TMNT gave her a fruitcake in which she was most pleased. The good black witch, Sora, Riku, and Kairi were honored for their valor with lanyards and coloring books, rare synthesis items in Gnarnia!

After the battle, Uzra and everyone partied for a month. Toast was served with a side of Swedish Fish and deep-fried Oreos. Vegetarians stuck to popcorn and veggie burgers. The Navi crashed the party one day and demanded free entrance because they did not have any munny. Grandma explains that there is no cost for the parties but they all decide to challenge them to a dance-off, but the Navi leave. Pocahontas deemed them lame and throws a pizza at the Subway man. The Subway man had an allergic reaction to the pizza grease and was sent to the ER. Toad ate a mushroom on accident but he liked it, so he's a cannibal. Everyone got really scared which got people thinking of Halloween. So everyone decided who they wanted to be: Uzra was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, Grandma Pikachu was the tooth fairy, Sora was a unicorn, Piku was a nerdy ice cream man, Kairi was Ponyo, Pocahontas was a Navi, the good black witch was the evil white witch, Toad was a frog, the Bobs were the Beatles, Lady Gaga was herself, Alejandro was a crayon, Cilantro was Miley Cyrus, Oregano was Justin Bieber, and the TMNT were the TMNT. Everyone went trick-or-treating in Traverse Town using a portal to get there. However, the heartless came and Sora, Riku, and Kairi had to fight while collecting candy. Uzra got hungry and tried to eat her costume. Lady Gaga was wearing a dress made of paperclips, cardboard, duct tape, and colored construction paper. The real Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber ran into Cilantro and Oregano. Miley and Justin got into a fight with them. They randomly turned into heartless and Sora used his unicorn horn to destroy them both. Riku found some garlic and crosses in his bag and decided to throw it around so Edward Cullen wouldn't come. Grandma Pikachu ate everyone's prunes that were provided by the old man who lived in the second district. The Bobs and TMNT got into a fight over who had better costumes. Kairi told everyone to stop fighting. Toad and Alejandro developed a crush on Kairi but Sora immediately grabbed Kairi's hand and Riku walked a little closer to them. After five hours, they return to the castle and bob for corn because they ran out of oranges. They watched a semi-romantic comedy until Pocahontas switched it to Zombieland while eating spaghetti. It wasn't a pretty sight after that. Lady Gaga and Alejandro somehow got the washing machine to explode after putting some jalapenos in the soap dispenser dish.

After the washing machine exploded, the remains were turned into a carrot. A random bunny came hopping on the frontier, and thinking it was a heartless, Sora hit it with his keyblade and it whimpered. Sora got googly sparkly eyes and said, “Awwwwwww! I'm sorry bunny!” and kept it as a slave. When Riku met the bunny, he bowed down and worshiped it and said,
“This is what Anti-Veggietales told me to do” Kairi came and started giving friendship speeches and played Yugioh. She then tried doing yoga and failed. Then, the chocolate golden bunny appeared and said, “I'm late! I'm late! For a very important date!” and went poof. The C-cats started chasing it because they were trying to tell him that it started at 5:00pm, not 5:00am. Popcorn spurted from yellow microwaves when they finally told him that.

One day, Toad got a spleen infection because a rabid rabbit tried to eat it. He consulted Dr. Cilantro and the Old Spice Man. The Old Spice Man talked to his imaginary friend and Dr. Cilantro stared at him awkwardly. There was an awkward silence and a gay baby rabbit was born. It turned out to have cancer and died of complicated surgery issues. The Old Spice Man turned into Ash Ketchum and threw a pokeball and said “Go Grandma Pikachu!” Grandma Pikachu said,
“Oh thank goodness! It was getting cramped in there!” Then, Dr. Cilantro started speaking random Spanish. Alejandro appeared out of the third portal and said,
“Your accent is hoooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrible!!” Dr. Cilantro whimpered and turned into a floppy disk. Toad's head turned into a fish so now he's not a mushroom man, he's SUPERFISHMAN! He saved the day and everything turned out all right for now.

On one of his missions, Superfishman went to the Gnarnian version of Sweden and called himself a Swedish Fish. The Natives got mad and started poking him with their pinky fingers. Superfishman died of a finger bacterial infection. Gee, the Swedish people of Gnarnia should wash their hands more often. And now...NICK JONAS CAME BACK FOR GRANDMA PIKACHU! The TMNT gasped loudly. The TMNT and Nick Jonas fought over Grandma Pikachu and the TMNT won epically. With a turtlistic cry, they yelled, “We are victorious!” And did a ninja dance. Grandma Pikachu fell asleep during the fight and woke up to her own snore. The life of Gnarnians was peaceful again!